what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize