He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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