Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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