Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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