I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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