i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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