I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
