Welp...herpes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
