it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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