I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
