Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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