Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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