He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
