If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
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