trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
