Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
