I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
