Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
