that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
