My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
