Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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