Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
