look no pants
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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