I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
