I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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