I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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