I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
