I just saw a hot homeless man
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
