What a fucking waste of an outfit
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize