There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
