do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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