This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
