And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
