Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize