I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
