His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
