I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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