im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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