my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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