Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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