I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
farters have to be the big spoon...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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