I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
