Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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