You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
