I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize