I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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