Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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