There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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