I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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