Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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