bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
