Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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