My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just cut my nipple shaving
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
