He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Couch. On fire.
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