i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I miss vodka workout Fridays
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
