Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
