I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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