I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
