Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
