At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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