just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
