I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize