i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
